Thursday, December 22, 2011

On the Tenth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Ms. Agent,
If sixteen year old Holly Takada had known spending the summer in Japan would drop her right into the middle of a real-life-game of Dungeons and Dragons, she might have packed differently. 

She expects her annual visit to her grandmother will be just another summer of boredom and sushi - until she meets local boy Tamashi at the market. He seems like a regular knight-in-shining-armor when he saves her from a gang of thugs, but his altruism hides a more serious agenda. <---Tam is the last of an ancient breed of dragons created to watch over Japan. When he and his soul stone were captured by the evil wizard Akio five hundred years ago, Tamashi became a pawn in the man’s search for immortality. Now, the wizard is close to discovering what he seeks. And he must be stopped at all costs. Try not to break up the query too much.  It makes it look longer than it really is, which is not what you want!

Holly learns that the ritual to release Tam from his centuries-old prison can only be completed with human blood – hers. What she doesn’t know is that her success is also dependent on another person – a girl from medieval Japan with ties of her own to Tam. <---- Together, two brave women, at two different times in history, must destroy Tam’s soul stone and change the terrible events that have already occurred. If they fail, their very existence could be at stake.  I think you can end this with a punchier final thought.  Something like: "destroy Tam's soul stone to prevent Akio from completing his terrible vision for their future - and their past."  That could be better, but you get the idea.

Complete at 68,000 words, TIME BOUND is a YA paranormal fantasy told in three points of view which I like to think of as Paranormalcy meets Silver Phoenix. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 5 pages below. I'm curious as to the Paranormalcy reference.  It's one of my favorite books in large part due to its fresh, quirky sense of humor.  It has great voice.  Your query is absolutely fine.  It's solid and well-written, but it's lacking a certain spark.  It's lacking a sense of voice.  I see that coming out in the hook, but then the rest reads like pretty average synopsis.  I'd love for you to try an exercise.  Rewrite this query in your MC's voice.  How would she tell us all this info?  Then play with the pronouns and  see if you get more voice from your query.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best of luck! 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks so much for the great comments - I actually had a more "voicey" query, but I thought I should tone it down a bit! Guess my first instincts were right!

    Thanks for the great series! I've learned a lot!