On the Twelfth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: tampon-friendly lovers, bed-hopping ghosts, time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Falling in love is easy; it’s all the other junk that brings headaches...and nausea…and demands from family members.  You make two bold style choices here by using a semicolon and ellipses.  While on one hand this sets up a casual, informal narrative voice, it is, as I said, bold, and could send some agents - many of whom have publicly commented on such style choices - reaching for the reject button.  If this is part of the style of the novel, leave it.  Might as well give them a taste of what to expect, but I would consider if you can't express the same sentiment with other punctuation.  I'll add that personally I like it, but anyone who follows me on twitter knows of my fondness for the ellipses.

 

Wedding florist Roda Morgan wonders if she’s destined to sit back and watch everyone else find their Happily-Ever-Afters. Until she meets Mr. Tall, Dark, and Tasty, and knows right away he’s different. I've italicized the "until" here so that the fragment is clearly purposeful.  It's a minor change, but it shows that this is a style choice not a grammatical error.  It's always harder to get that across in queries than in the actual manuscript, because you're working with such limited space.  A typical guy wouldn’t help pick up spilled feminine products, or stick around after being thrown up on. But her modest lifestyle clashes with his extravagant one., I want to see a better bridge between these two thoughts.  You use a conjunction, but the two sentiments don't really seem related.  Does an extravagant man have a fondness for vomit or tampons?  I like the detail of how he's different from most men, but introduce another flavorful bit about how he's wealthy and she's not here, between the last two lines. It would also be a good place to give us his name.  Aand instead of holding to her values, she loses herself in his world of fancy cars and glamorous parties. Her mother fears the woman she’s raised is being stolen away, and his is too closed-minded to accept someone who has a different set of beliefs. You bring up beliefs here and I start to wonder - financial, religious, political - if it has to do with their economic disparities, as you seem to be setting up, then belief might not be the right word.  If it goes deeper than that, you might want to give us a hint as to what.  What’s a girl to do when she’s torn between two lives? Mental breakdown is one option.

 

THE DETOUR TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER is an 88,000 word contemporary romantic comedy.

 

My debut novel, A Bitch Named Karma, is available through Lyrical Press, Inc. Its sequel Karma Kameleon releases January 2012. Also available are my novellas, Paradise Cove and Soap Dreams. My work appears in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters and Thanks Mom editions, Voicesfrom the Herd, and Nickel City Nights: Erotic Writing in Western New York. My flash fiction piece titled Flying in Pink Satin was showcased as the feature story in Flash Me Magazine and was nominated for the Pushcart Prize. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Great creds.  I imagine this will wow many agents.

 

I thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Stephanie Haefner

This query has great voice, but the one thing that makes me pause is some of the style choices.  There are lots of fragments as well as some disjointed thoughts.  I am a big fan of the fragment in my own writing.  (Seriously, you will all see!)  But I do think that a query needs to be careful with such style choices.  While you may employ the fragment throughout your narrative effectively, here it feels a bit off.  Instead of feeling like a choice in regards to voice, I find myself wanting to combine them to create stronger sentences.  I don't think you will lose any voice by doing so either.  Keep in mind that a fragment used as an aside or a bombshell revelation or a joke or interior monologue can be incredibly effective, but ask yourself if you are using it as such.  If not, evaluate if it needs to be a fragment.  In terms of disjointed thoughts, I think there are some jumps in this query.  We're told he's a great guy and so different, then we jump to the issue over their financial disparities.  We're told about the difference in their moms, but it's unclear what his mother's issue with the relationship really is.

It probably sounds like I'm giving you a ton of work, but actually you've nailed the most elusive aspect of a good query and that's voice.  The rest of this is just cleaning and polishing.  Best of luck!

On the Twelfth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: tampon-friendly lovers, bed-hopping ghosts, time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Falling in love is easy; it’s all the other junk that brings headaches...and nausea…and demands from family members.  You make two bold style choices here by using a semicolon and ellipses.  While on one hand this sets up a casual, informal narrative voice, it is, as I said, bold, and could send some agents - many of whom have publicly commented on such style choices - reaching for the reject button.  If this is part of the style of the novel, leave it.  Might as well give them a taste of what to expect, but I would consider if you can't express the same sentiment with other punctuation.  I'll add that personally I like it, but anyone who follows me on twitter knows of my fondness for the ellipses.

 

Wedding florist Roda Morgan wonders if she’s destined to sit back and watch everyone else find their Happily-Ever-Afters. Until she meets Mr. Tall, Dark, and Tasty, and knows right away he’s different. I've italicized the "until" here so that the fragment is clearly purposeful.  It's a minor change, but it shows that this is a style choice not a grammatical error.  It's always harder to get that across in queries than in the actual manuscript, because you're working with such limited space.  A typical guy wouldn’t help pick up spilled feminine products, or stick around after being thrown up on. But her modest lifestyle clashes with his extravagant one., I want to see a better bridge between these two thoughts.  You use a conjunction, but the two sentiments don't really seem related.  Does an extravagant man have a fondness for vomit or tampons?  I like the detail of how he's different from most men, but introduce another flavorful bit about how he's wealthy and she's not here, between the last two lines. It would also be a good place to give us his name.  Aand instead of holding to her values, she loses herself in his world of fancy cars and glamorous parties. Her mother fears the woman she’s raised is being stolen away, and his is too closed-minded to accept someone who has a different set of beliefs. You bring up beliefs here and I start to wonder - financial, religious, political - if it has to do with their economic disparities, as you seem to be setting up, then belief might not be the right word.  If it goes deeper than that, you might want to give us a hint as to what.  What’s a girl to do when she’s torn between two lives? Mental breakdown is one option.

 

THE DETOUR TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER is an 88,000 word contemporary romantic comedy.

 

My debut novel, A Bitch Named Karma, is available through Lyrical Press, Inc. Its sequel Karma Kameleon releases January 2012. Also available are my novellas, Paradise Cove and Soap Dreams. My work appears in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters and Thanks Mom editions, Voicesfrom the Herd, and Nickel City Nights: Erotic Writing in Western New York. My flash fiction piece titled Flying in Pink Satin was showcased as the feature story in Flash Me Magazine and was nominated for the Pushcart Prize. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Great creds.  I imagine this will wow many agents.

 

I thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Stephanie Haefner

This query has great voice, but the one thing that makes me pause is some of the style choices.  There are lots of fragments as well as some disjointed thoughts.  I am a big fan of the fragment in my own writing.  (Seriously, you will all see!)  But I do think that a query needs to be careful with such style choices.  While you may employ the fragment throughout your narrative effectively, here it feels a bit off.  Instead of feeling like a choice in regards to voice, I find myself wanting to combine them to create stronger sentences.  I don't think you will lose any voice by doing so either.  Keep in mind that a fragment used as an aside or a bombshell revelation or a joke or interior monologue can be incredibly effective, but ask yourself if you are using it as such.  If not, evaluate if it needs to be a fragment.  In terms of disjointed thoughts, I think there are some jumps in this query.  We're told he's a great guy and so different, then we jump to the issue over their financial disparities.  We're told about the difference in their moms, but it's unclear what his mother's issue with the relationship really is.

It probably sounds like I'm giving you a ton of work, but actually you've nailed the most elusive aspect of a good query and that's voice.  The rest of this is just cleaning and polishing.  Best of luck!

On the Eleventh Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: bed-hopping ghosts, time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Mallory doesn't want to scare Evan to death...but it might make things easier. 

Young and independent, Mallory Richards is finally content with herlife...so what if she's technically dead and has no idea how ithappened? She spends her days and nights next to Evan Douglas, thehandsome man that she last touched before her death. the last man she touched. And the bestpart? She gets to see him naked. But as time passes, her feelings forEvan deepen, and Mallory's no longer satisfied with their one-sidedlove affair. She makes contact, and against all odds Evan begins tofall for the beautiful redhead who haunts his bed. This rhymes.  I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Also this is your inciting event and I think it's what you need to focus your query on.  How in the world does she make contact?  Right now it feels like too much of a throwaway, because you are concerned with getting on to her waking up from the coma.  I'd like to see you develop the contact and relationship a bit here.  Make us interested in how it happens. Make us want to fall in love with him too.

Loving Evan makes Mallory feel alive again, even though her memoriesare fading. Each day the veil between life and death becomes moretransparent, until she awakens one morning in a cold, sterile hospitalbed. To her horror, she learns Evan is a figment of her injured brain,conjured during a six-month-long coma. Being alive is now what keepsher away from the man she loves. When Mallory finally recovers and hasa chance encounter with the man from her dreams, she must solve themystery of their bizarre courtship or lose him forever. This is all fine, but I'd like to make it feel more vital.  You're raising the stakes here.  Wait, Evan isn't real!  Mallory isn't dead!  But what if!  what if!  I want to feel this.  I want to feel the mystery.  As it stands, it reads more like a bad trick.  You mean Evan isn't real and it's all a dream?  What is this Dallas?  I think you can cut this down to 1 or 2 sentences.  Something like:  "When the veil between life and death lifts, Mallory wakes up - alive, alone, and in love.  But Mallory isn't giving up on Evan, not when true love already conquered all. " That might actually suck.  Not sure.  It's just an example.

I've heard only positive things about your agency within the writingcommunity. Please make sure there is more personalization than this.  If not cut it, because it reads like a form letter.  I read on your website that you represent women's fictionand have an interest in ghost stories. I hope you'll consider THECOURTSHIP OF MALLORY RICHARDS, my 86,000 word manuscript. I earned aMaster of Arts in Professional Counseling, and my experience as atherapist has aided me in creating this character-driven novel. Thankyou for your time and consideration. 

--Regan Leighwww.ReganLeigh.com@ReganWrites

I think you have an interesting concept and I wish you the best of luck! 

On the Eleventh Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: bed-hopping ghosts, time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Mallory doesn't want to scare Evan to death...but it might make things easier. 

Young and independent, Mallory Richards is finally content with herlife...so what if she's technically dead and has no idea how ithappened? She spends her days and nights next to Evan Douglas, thehandsome man that she last touched before her death. the last man she touched. And the bestpart? She gets to see him naked. But as time passes, her feelings forEvan deepen, and Mallory's no longer satisfied with their one-sidedlove affair. She makes contact, and against all odds Evan begins tofall for the beautiful redhead who haunts his bed. This rhymes.  I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Also this is your inciting event and I think it's what you need to focus your query on.  How in the world does she make contact?  Right now it feels like too much of a throwaway, because you are concerned with getting on to her waking up from the coma.  I'd like to see you develop the contact and relationship a bit here.  Make us interested in how it happens. Make us want to fall in love with him too.

Loving Evan makes Mallory feel alive again, even though her memoriesare fading. Each day the veil between life and death becomes moretransparent, until she awakens one morning in a cold, sterile hospitalbed. To her horror, she learns Evan is a figment of her injured brain,conjured during a six-month-long coma. Being alive is now what keepsher away from the man she loves. When Mallory finally recovers and hasa chance encounter with the man from her dreams, she must solve themystery of their bizarre courtship or lose him forever. This is all fine, but I'd like to make it feel more vital.  You're raising the stakes here.  Wait, Evan isn't real!  Mallory isn't dead!  But what if!  what if!  I want to feel this.  I want to feel the mystery.  As it stands, it reads more like a bad trick.  You mean Evan isn't real and it's all a dream?  What is this Dallas?  I think you can cut this down to 1 or 2 sentences.  Something like:  "When the veil between life and death lifts, Mallory wakes up - alive, alone, and in love.  But Mallory isn't giving up on Evan, not when true love already conquered all. " That might actually suck.  Not sure.  It's just an example.

I've heard only positive things about your agency within the writingcommunity. Please make sure there is more personalization than this.  If not cut it, because it reads like a form letter.  I read on your website that you represent women's fictionand have an interest in ghost stories. I hope you'll consider THECOURTSHIP OF MALLORY RICHARDS, my 86,000 word manuscript. I earned aMaster of Arts in Professional Counseling, and my experience as atherapist has aided me in creating this character-driven novel. Thankyou for your time and consideration. 

--Regan Leighwww.ReganLeigh.com@ReganWrites

I think you have an interesting concept and I wish you the best of luck! 

On the Tenth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Ms. Agent,
If sixteen year old Holly Takada had known spending the summer in Japan would drop her right into the middle of a real-life-game of Dungeons and Dragons, she might have packed differently. 

She expects her annual visit to her grandmother will be just another summer of boredom and sushi - until she meets local boy Tamashi at the market. He seems like a regular knight-in-shining-armor when he saves her from a gang of thugs, but his altruism hides a more serious agenda. <---Tam is the last of an ancient breed of dragons created to watch over Japan. When he and his soul stone were captured by the evil wizard Akio five hundred years ago, Tamashi became a pawn in the man’s search for immortality. Now, the wizard is close to discovering what he seeks. And he must be stopped at all costs. Try not to break up the query too much.  It makes it look longer than it really is, which is not what you want!

Holly learns that the ritual to release Tam from his centuries-old prison can only be completed with human blood – hers. What she doesn’t know is that her success is also dependent on another person – a girl from medieval Japan with ties of her own to Tam. <---- Together, two brave women, at two different times in history, must destroy Tam’s soul stone and change the terrible events that have already occurred. If they fail, their very existence could be at stake.  I think you can end this with a punchier final thought.  Something like: "destroy Tam's soul stone to prevent Akio from completing his terrible vision for their future - and their past."  That could be better, but you get the idea.

Complete at 68,000 words, TIME BOUND is a YA paranormal fantasy told in three points of view which I like to think of as Paranormalcy meets Silver Phoenix. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 5 pages below. I'm curious as to the Paranormalcy reference.  It's one of my favorite books in large part due to its fresh, quirky sense of humor.  It has great voice.  Your query is absolutely fine.  It's solid and well-written, but it's lacking a certain spark.  It's lacking a sense of voice.  I see that coming out in the hook, but then the rest reads like pretty average synopsis.  I'd love for you to try an exercise.  Rewrite this query in your MC's voice.  How would she tell us all this info?  Then play with the pronouns and  see if you get more voice from your query.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best of luck! 

On the Tenth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Ms. Agent,
If sixteen year old Holly Takada had known spending the summer in Japan would drop her right into the middle of a real-life-game of Dungeons and Dragons, she might have packed differently. 

She expects her annual visit to her grandmother will be just another summer of boredom and sushi - until she meets local boy Tamashi at the market. He seems like a regular knight-in-shining-armor when he saves her from a gang of thugs, but his altruism hides a more serious agenda. <---Tam is the last of an ancient breed of dragons created to watch over Japan. When he and his soul stone were captured by the evil wizard Akio five hundred years ago, Tamashi became a pawn in the man’s search for immortality. Now, the wizard is close to discovering what he seeks. And he must be stopped at all costs. Try not to break up the query too much.  It makes it look longer than it really is, which is not what you want!

Holly learns that the ritual to release Tam from his centuries-old prison can only be completed with human blood – hers. What she doesn’t know is that her success is also dependent on another person – a girl from medieval Japan with ties of her own to Tam. <---- Together, two brave women, at two different times in history, must destroy Tam’s soul stone and change the terrible events that have already occurred. If they fail, their very existence could be at stake.  I think you can end this with a punchier final thought.  Something like: "destroy Tam's soul stone to prevent Akio from completing his terrible vision for their future - and their past."  That could be better, but you get the idea.

Complete at 68,000 words, TIME BOUND is a YA paranormal fantasy told in three points of view which I like to think of as Paranormalcy meets Silver Phoenix. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 5 pages below. I'm curious as to the Paranormalcy reference.  It's one of my favorite books in large part due to its fresh, quirky sense of humor.  It has great voice.  Your query is absolutely fine.  It's solid and well-written, but it's lacking a certain spark.  It's lacking a sense of voice.  I see that coming out in the hook, but then the rest reads like pretty average synopsis.  I'd love for you to try an exercise.  Rewrite this query in your MC's voice.  How would she tell us all this info?  Then play with the pronouns and  see if you get more voice from your query.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best of luck! 

On the Ninth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear (Agent),Summer Tate killed her mother. At least, that’s how the seventeen-year-old secretly feels. The accident was her fault, and now her wrecked family has moved from urban Denver to rural Montana, determined to forget the past. After a mysterious old woman dies in her arms, Summer is catapulted in and out of 1927, where she meets rugged young rancher, Eli Ford. Inexplicable and frightening at first, their chance encounters blossom into highly anticipated visits, bringing them closer than Summer has ever felt with anyone in her own time. 

With Eli’s help, Summer uncovers the truth. The dying old woman granted her the power to spirit walk – the native Hawaté ability to time travel – and Summer just might be able to control it. Desperate to change her mother’s fate, Summer makes a deal with a vengeful spirit walker bent on rewriting history. The terms? Help him break the hundred-year-old curse that banished him from his beloved, and he’ll show Summer how to use her power to rescue her mother. By trusting this dangerous spirit walker and interfering with time, Summer inadvertently sets off a chain of events that will ultimately destroy her family, Eli, and her very existence. With the lives of everyone she loves at risk, can she rectify her mistakes before it’s too late? 

Everything is gravy until we get to this part.  One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard is from agent Kristin Nelson who recommends sticking to the first 50 pages of your story.  Personally, I prefer a query based on the inciting incident alone.  What is the event that catapults your protagonist into the plot/narrative of the novel?  That's what you focus your query on.  If you can't hook an agent with a query based on the first fifty pages of your story than your manuscript probably won't hook them either.  I think you have an excellent hook here.  It's compelling.  I can see where it's going without it feeling too familiar.  But then you start to tell me about the middle and end, and I kind of don't want to read that in the query, I'd rather get to it in the book.  My advice is to add 1-2 lines at the end hinting at Summer's dilemma.  Something like : She'll need the help of a vengeful spirit walker (more details about him - is he young, old, hot?) to learn how, but when it becomes clear they're both bent on rewriting history, Summer realizes ....  Something along those lines. Quick and to the point.  The initial events are enough to grab an agent's interest.

Wrecktify, a YA fantasy complete at 90,000 words, has an unconventional love story and a Native American twist on time travel. It was a finalist in the 2011 Southwest Writers competition. I grew up on a ghost ranch in Montana, where my grandfather’s stories and lifelong friendship with the Crow tribe inspired this novel. 

Very nice background info. 

(Reasons for querying agent here.) Thank you for your time and consideration.Sincerely,

Best of luck! 

On the Ninth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear (Agent),Summer Tate killed her mother. At least, that’s how the seventeen-year-old secretly feels. The accident was her fault, and now her wrecked family has moved from urban Denver to rural Montana, determined to forget the past. After a mysterious old woman dies in her arms, Summer is catapulted in and out of 1927, where she meets rugged young rancher, Eli Ford. Inexplicable and frightening at first, their chance encounters blossom into highly anticipated visits, bringing them closer than Summer has ever felt with anyone in her own time. 

With Eli’s help, Summer uncovers the truth. The dying old woman granted her the power to spirit walk – the native Hawaté ability to time travel – and Summer just might be able to control it. Desperate to change her mother’s fate, Summer makes a deal with a vengeful spirit walker bent on rewriting history. The terms? Help him break the hundred-year-old curse that banished him from his beloved, and he’ll show Summer how to use her power to rescue her mother. By trusting this dangerous spirit walker and interfering with time, Summer inadvertently sets off a chain of events that will ultimately destroy her family, Eli, and her very existence. With the lives of everyone she loves at risk, can she rectify her mistakes before it’s too late? 

Everything is gravy until we get to this part.  One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard is from agent Kristin Nelson who recommends sticking to the first 50 pages of your story.  Personally, I prefer a query based on the inciting incident alone.  What is the event that catapults your protagonist into the plot/narrative of the novel?  That's what you focus your query on.  If you can't hook an agent with a query based on the first fifty pages of your story than your manuscript probably won't hook them either.  I think you have an excellent hook here.  It's compelling.  I can see where it's going without it feeling too familiar.  But then you start to tell me about the middle and end, and I kind of don't want to read that in the query, I'd rather get to it in the book.  My advice is to add 1-2 lines at the end hinting at Summer's dilemma.  Something like : She'll need the help of a vengeful spirit walker (more details about him - is he young, old, hot?) to learn how, but when it becomes clear they're both bent on rewriting history, Summer realizes ....  Something along those lines. Quick and to the point.  The initial events are enough to grab an agent's interest.

Wrecktify, a YA fantasy complete at 90,000 words, has an unconventional love story and a Native American twist on time travel. It was a finalist in the 2011 Southwest Writers competition. I grew up on a ghost ranch in Montana, where my grandfather’s stories and lifelong friendship with the Crow tribe inspired this novel. 

Very nice background info. 

(Reasons for querying agent here.) Thank you for your time and consideration.Sincerely,

Best of luck! 

On the Eighth Day of Querymas

Apologies for my tardiness!  Busy morning!

my true Genn gave to me: serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

There's a serial killer targeting the women of Black Beach, Florida and 16-year-old Megan Potter knows exactly who he is.  She actually lives with him.  Too bad nobody believes her.You say this again below, but it packs more punch there.  Lose this one.

She's spent many days following him or digging through his belongings, searching for irrefutable proof. 

She's gone to the police with her suspicions, but they've already got a suspect. Vary your sentence structure a bit, so we get less "she, she, she." Nobody believes her theory. After all, lots of kids hate their stepfathers.  

Until she goes missing. Along with the proof she's finally uncovered. Now all she has to do is survive long enough for them to find her. And finally believe her. I don't love this last line, and I will tell you why.  You're giving away the goose.  Part of the mystery needs to be whether or not it is her stepfather.  You imply here that she's right and now he has her.  Well, I'm not sure I'm as interested in reading the book knowing that.  I would cut it and find a punchier note to end on.

HER WORD WAS PEACE is a 50,000-word YA mystery.  

I'd like to see a little bio and personalization here. 


In the original query you sent me, you included this line: "While trying to prove her step-father's an adulterer Megan puts together the pieces to his even darker secret."  I love this.  I want to see it worked in.  It gives us more background, more motivation.  It heightens the stakes.  Right now the query is a bit too terse and light.  I love a fast, to-the-point query, but I think you could add in a few more details from the book - the novel's flavor - and really take it to the next level.


Best of luck!

On the Eighth Day of Querymas

Apologies for my tardiness!  Busy morning!

my true Genn gave to me: serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

There's a serial killer targeting the women of Black Beach, Florida and 16-year-old Megan Potter knows exactly who he is.  She actually lives with him.  Too bad nobody believes her.You say this again below, but it packs more punch there.  Lose this one.

She's spent many days following him or digging through his belongings, searching for irrefutable proof. 

She's gone to the police with her suspicions, but they've already got a suspect. Vary your sentence structure a bit, so we get less "she, she, she." Nobody believes her theory. After all, lots of kids hate their stepfathers.  

Until she goes missing. Along with the proof she's finally uncovered. Now all she has to do is survive long enough for them to find her. And finally believe her. I don't love this last line, and I will tell you why.  You're giving away the goose.  Part of the mystery needs to be whether or not it is her stepfather.  You imply here that she's right and now he has her.  Well, I'm not sure I'm as interested in reading the book knowing that.  I would cut it and find a punchier note to end on.

HER WORD WAS PEACE is a 50,000-word YA mystery.  

I'd like to see a little bio and personalization here. 


In the original query you sent me, you included this line: "While trying to prove her step-father's an adulterer Megan puts together the pieces to his even darker secret."  I love this.  I want to see it worked in.  It gives us more background, more motivation.  It heightens the stakes.  Right now the query is a bit too terse and light.  I love a fast, to-the-point query, but I think you could add in a few more details from the book - the novel's flavor - and really take it to the next level.


Best of luck!

On the Seventh Day of Querymas

For the stranded citizens of the Nile Runner space colony, their life flashes in front of their eyes every second of every day, in the form of bright red digits counting down.  It took me a moment to realize this is a countdown because initially I assumed it's their actual life flashing before their eyes ala near death experience.  I think I would reword "their life flashes in front of their eyes" and rework the structure of the sentence for clarity.

16-year-old Sixteen year-old Xavier Vasquez wonders if he’ll be able to make anything out of the rest of his short life. I'm 95% sure that you should never start a sentence with a number in numeral form, but I'm too lazy to look it up.  Anyone know for sure?
Though outwardly cheerful, he harbors a dark secret: in less than a year his countdown reaches zero and he will draw his final breath of life support with no possibly of getting more. His brilliant scientist of a father cannot help him, because he, like everyone in the settlement has an expiration date. So his father can't help him because he is dying too or because it's inevitable or because he won't?

After an attack on the colony from the planet’s grotesque alien inhabitants, Xavier sets out on a mission to find a way to stop his countdown and make contact with a strangely silent earth. However, when the planet starts to decay around them at an accelerating rate, Xavier fears that he may not even have until his countdown runs out to complete his mission.  There's so much going on in this paragraph.  I started to give you more feedback, but frankly it just makes me want to read the book.  So maybe you should leave it as is!

Faced with his approaching death, Xavier has a difficult decision to make: permanently reverse his countdown or save a dying planet and the lives of friend and foe alike. This is simply restating what you've said earlier.  Your last paragraph peaks my interest, and I strongly recommend you leave off there.  That last sentence "Xavier fears that he may not even have until his countdown runs out to complete his mission" is a much better cliffhanger!

COUNTDOWN is a work of YA Science Fiction and is complete at 80,000 words.

I am a German teacher and author of the YA Fantasy novels “The Canticle Kingdom” and “The Last Archangel”. (Bonneville Books, 2010, 2011) I have also contributed short stories and articles to such magazines as “Allegory”, “Mindflights” and “The New Era”. Add some personalization here.

A copy of the completed manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this is in relatively good shape.  I want to see that first sentence cleaned up a bit and I want the last sentence cut, but the heart of the query is compelling and well-written.  I would guess a number of agents would be interested in this.  Best of luck!

Note:  I don't want to pick on this author, but I do want to make something clear for those of you querying and about to query.  This is the second submission I received with an attached file.  Never, never, never send a query letter as an attachment.  Don't attach anything!  The letter, sample pages, and anything else the agency requests should be pasted into the body of the email.  If they request a partial or full, you may send an attachment unless they request it via a submission service or snail mail.  


Now I'm about the give you one of the most important pieces of info for querying ever, so pay attention!  Most mail services will cut off an email of a certain length (about 8-10 pages of text)!  Supposedly when gmail does this there is a link that allows the recipient to view the rest of the message.  I can tell you from experience that's not always the case.  To avoid having your message cut off you need to paste your letter in, select the text and click on "plain text" in the formatting bar.  You may have to go in and manually adjust your text a bit.  I was pretty lucky because the agent whose sample got cut off was Mollie!  Clearly she liked what she saw enough to request the rest, but I shudder to think what would have happened .... well, you get the idea!

On the Seventh Day of Querymas

For the stranded citizens of the Nile Runner space colony, their life flashes in front of their eyes every second of every day, in the form of bright red digits counting down.  It took me a moment to realize this is a countdown because initially I assumed it's their actual life flashing before their eyes ala near death experience.  I think I would reword "their life flashes in front of their eyes" and rework the structure of the sentence for clarity.

16-year-old Sixteen year-old Xavier Vasquez wonders if he’ll be able to make anything out of the rest of his short life. I'm 95% sure that you should never start a sentence with a number in numeral form, but I'm too lazy to look it up.  Anyone know for sure?
Though outwardly cheerful, he harbors a dark secret: in less than a year his countdown reaches zero and he will draw his final breath of life support with no possibly of getting more. His brilliant scientist of a father cannot help him, because he, like everyone in the settlement has an expiration date. So his father can't help him because he is dying too or because it's inevitable or because he won't?

After an attack on the colony from the planet’s grotesque alien inhabitants, Xavier sets out on a mission to find a way to stop his countdown and make contact with a strangely silent earth. However, when the planet starts to decay around them at an accelerating rate, Xavier fears that he may not even have until his countdown runs out to complete his mission.  There's so much going on in this paragraph.  I started to give you more feedback, but frankly it just makes me want to read the book.  So maybe you should leave it as is!

Faced with his approaching death, Xavier has a difficult decision to make: permanently reverse his countdown or save a dying planet and the lives of friend and foe alike. This is simply restating what you've said earlier.  Your last paragraph peaks my interest, and I strongly recommend you leave off there.  That last sentence "Xavier fears that he may not even have until his countdown runs out to complete his mission" is a much better cliffhanger!

COUNTDOWN is a work of YA Science Fiction and is complete at 80,000 words.

I am a German teacher and author of the YA Fantasy novels “The Canticle Kingdom” and “The Last Archangel”. (Bonneville Books, 2010, 2011) I have also contributed short stories and articles to such magazines as “Allegory”, “Mindflights” and “The New Era”. Add some personalization here.

A copy of the completed manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this is in relatively good shape.  I want to see that first sentence cleaned up a bit and I want the last sentence cut, but the heart of the query is compelling and well-written.  I would guess a number of agents would be interested in this.  Best of luck!

Note:  I don't want to pick on this author, but I do want to make something clear for those of you querying and about to query.  This is the second submission I received with an attached file.  Never, never, never send a query letter as an attachment.  Don't attach anything!  The letter, sample pages, and anything else the agency requests should be pasted into the body of the email.  If they request a partial or full, you may send an attachment unless they request it via a submission service or snail mail.  


Now I'm about the give you one of the most important pieces of info for querying ever, so pay attention!  Most mail services will cut off an email of a certain length (about 8-10 pages of text)!  Supposedly when gmail does this there is a link that allows the recipient to view the rest of the message.  I can tell you from experience that's not always the case.  To avoid having your message cut off you need to paste your letter in, select the text and click on "plain text" in the formatting bar.  You may have to go in and manually adjust your text a bit.  I was pretty lucky because the agent whose sample got cut off was Mollie!  Clearly she liked what she saw enough to request the rest, but I shudder to think what would have happened .... well, you get the idea!

On the Sixth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Ms. Albin,
For Taylor Anderson, even death can’t quiet erase the memories of her final weeks on earth.

She is hHaunted by the words her classmates whispered to her as she walked down the hallways of her high school (whore, whore, whore), and she Taylor can’t shake the painful ache left in her gut after Sunny, her now ex-best friend, did The Horrible Thing that caused it all.  I'm pretty interested in the story thus far.  Who doesn't remember being the subject of whispered gossip?  Or is that just me?  My concern with this paragraph is that it's verbose.  I think you can clean these sentences up just a bit, making it shorter and snappier.

Death should make the memories disappear, but when Taylor is hit by a car she doesn’t get an afterlife filled with harp-playing angels and peaceful thoughts.  This feels a bit too much like a rehashing of the last paragraph.  We do get new info in here, but we get a lot of repeat information.  My advise is to excise a lot of this and combine the new info with the next paragraph.

When a car accident kills Taylor, she doesn't escape any of it.  Instead she appears in front of a staircase that climbs up into the sky, with no end in sight and nothing to keep her company but except the ghosts of her past. But the staircase is more than the empty relic it first appears to be.  Within it lies a second chance to uncover the true value of everything Taylor thought she wanted to leave behind, but first she must face Sunny’s betrayal and the week that nearly broke her head-on. 

Unless the stairs break her first.  Ok, this really intrigues me, because as writer it makes me wonder what really happens on the stairs.  I'm wondering about giving us more about this in the query, because I'm guessing it's where the actions is.  As this query stands I'm torn between whether this sounds literary or commercial.  I'd love a clear delineation.  

THE STAIRS AND THE FLY is a 54,000 word YA novel; a look at friendship, jealousy and what happens when we die.  It will appeal to fans of Gayle Forman’s If I Stay and Lauren Oliver’s Before I Fall.  Your title really makes me assume this is lit fic.  It's a bit obtuse for a YA novel, imo. 

I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to share my manuscript with you.
Regards,
Stacy

I think you have an intriguing concept.  Just temper the line between withholding information to intrigue the reader and withholding the information to frustration the reader.  Best of luck! 

On the Sixth Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Ms. Albin,
For Taylor Anderson, even death can’t quiet erase the memories of her final weeks on earth.

She is hHaunted by the words her classmates whispered to her as she walked down the hallways of her high school (whore, whore, whore), and she Taylor can’t shake the painful ache left in her gut after Sunny, her now ex-best friend, did The Horrible Thing that caused it all.  I'm pretty interested in the story thus far.  Who doesn't remember being the subject of whispered gossip?  Or is that just me?  My concern with this paragraph is that it's verbose.  I think you can clean these sentences up just a bit, making it shorter and snappier.

Death should make the memories disappear, but when Taylor is hit by a car she doesn’t get an afterlife filled with harp-playing angels and peaceful thoughts.  This feels a bit too much like a rehashing of the last paragraph.  We do get new info in here, but we get a lot of repeat information.  My advise is to excise a lot of this and combine the new info with the next paragraph.

When a car accident kills Taylor, she doesn't escape any of it.  Instead she appears in front of a staircase that climbs up into the sky, with no end in sight and nothing to keep her company but except the ghosts of her past. But the staircase is more than the empty relic it first appears to be.  Within it lies a second chance to uncover the true value of everything Taylor thought she wanted to leave behind, but first she must face Sunny’s betrayal and the week that nearly broke her head-on. 

Unless the stairs break her first.  Ok, this really intrigues me, because as writer it makes me wonder what really happens on the stairs.  I'm wondering about giving us more about this in the query, because I'm guessing it's where the actions is.  As this query stands I'm torn between whether this sounds literary or commercial.  I'd love a clear delineation.  

THE STAIRS AND THE FLY is a 54,000 word YA novel; a look at friendship, jealousy and what happens when we die.  It will appeal to fans of Gayle Forman’s If I Stay and Lauren Oliver’s Before I Fall.  Your title really makes me assume this is lit fic.  It's a bit obtuse for a YA novel, imo. 

I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to share my manuscript with you.
Regards,
Stacy

I think you have an intriguing concept.  Just temper the line between withholding information to intrigue the reader and withholding the information to frustration the reader.  Best of luck! 

On the Fifth Day of Querymas...

my true Genn gave to me: hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Gennifer,

It was so fun to meet at the Kansas City Pitchapalooza. Congrats on winning and the upcoming
release of your novel, Crewel.

I know you’re a coffee hound, but I have a recipe to make your mouth water. Ok, I have to jump in and point out that Danyelle's personalization rocks.  Obviously, I'm not an agent, but let's pretend I am.  She took the time to point out that we've met before (+1), showed she was familiar with my work (+1) and then segued into her synopsis with one more personal detail (+1).  So she's going into my reading her query already impressed and interested.  Combine one sassy baker, one sexy hockey player, and one obsessed stalker. Mix well. Then pour into a hot pan. Sprinkle on some romance. Bake on high heat for 86,000 words.

According to Rachel Marconi, chocolate heals all wounds. That and throwing darts at a picture
of her ex-boyfriend. Burned by yet another bad relationship, Rachel decides to reprioritize her
life, putting her dream to compete on a Food Network Challenge at the top of the list and dating
at the bottom crossed out with red Sharpie.  I love this paragraph.  I am wondering if the author can use Food Network Challenge or if she needs to create her own reality show.  But that's something that could come up in a revision letter.

But what’s a girl to do when a certain sexy guy keeps asking her out?  No rhetorical questions!  How about: But not even the kitchen is safe when Graydon Gretski,
a former pro-hockey player turned restaurant owner enters the mix.  After a lot of persistence and humorous teasing well-seasoned flirtations, he finally convinces Rachel to commit to a date. But just when things begin to warm up,
threatening notes directed at Rachel arrive. When her bakery is vandalized, Graydon’s protective streak goes on red alert. Is it her obsessive ex-boyfriend stalking her? Or maybe a challenger
trying to sabotage the competition? Either way, Rachel is definitely going to need some more
chocolate—perhaps drizzled over ice cream and devil’s food cake. I'm not loving this last line.  First I'm wondering what happened to the Food Network Challenge in the first paragraph?  Did she give it up for a bakery and a hockey player?  Or is she actually competed on the show.  I think you can come up with something with more kick that brings together the threads of the query while using the great voice you have throughout.

SWEET CONFECTIONS combines the sassiness of Rachel Gibson with the closed bedroom
door approach of Kristen Higgins.  Good comps.  I'm not sold on the title, and I suspect an agent may want to change it.  

I am a thirty-something mom with the heart of a college student obsessed with chocolate and
yearning for the thrill of romance. I think you tell us the same thing better throughout the rest of this paragraph.  While Sweet Confections is my first completed novel, I am
not new to the publishing industry. My non-fiction book, (dis)Abilities and the Gospel (Cedar
Fort, 2011), is currently available through a regional niche publisher. I have a loyal following on
Facebook, Twitter, and my blog, and am often invited to speak at conferences and organizations
– both in the disability and writing communities. I am also a test kitchen participant for culinary
mystery author, Josi Kilpack. What can I say? Food and the written word are key elements to my
survival of motherhood!

Attached Be careful here.  Almost all agents want it pasted into the email not attached! to this email is the first 10 pages as per your website requirements. Thank you for
considering my novel for representation. Have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,

Danyelle Ferguson

I want to point out things that are really working in this query.  First, the personalization.  You should aim for this level of personalization with every query you send.  Secondly, the voice.  I feel like I know what I'm getting from reading this query.  This is totally not my genre, but I want to read this.  The overall format and tone.  This letter is personal, professional, and very well written.  Even with the changes I mentioned above, this would definitely garner a request imo.  Best of luck!

On the Fifth Day of Querymas...

my true Genn gave to me: hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Dear Gennifer,

It was so fun to meet at the Kansas City Pitchapalooza. Congrats on winning and the upcoming
release of your novel, Crewel.

I know you’re a coffee hound, but I have a recipe to make your mouth water. Ok, I have to jump in and point out that Danyelle's personalization rocks.  Obviously, I'm not an agent, but let's pretend I am.  She took the time to point out that we've met before (+1), showed she was familiar with my work (+1) and then segued into her synopsis with one more personal detail (+1).  So she's going into my reading her query already impressed and interested.  Combine one sassy baker, one sexy hockey player, and one obsessed stalker. Mix well. Then pour into a hot pan. Sprinkle on some romance. Bake on high heat for 86,000 words.

According to Rachel Marconi, chocolate heals all wounds. That and throwing darts at a picture
of her ex-boyfriend. Burned by yet another bad relationship, Rachel decides to reprioritize her
life, putting her dream to compete on a Food Network Challenge at the top of the list and dating
at the bottom crossed out with red Sharpie.  I love this paragraph.  I am wondering if the author can use Food Network Challenge or if she needs to create her own reality show.  But that's something that could come up in a revision letter.

But what’s a girl to do when a certain sexy guy keeps asking her out?  No rhetorical questions!  How about: But not even the kitchen is safe when Graydon Gretski,
a former pro-hockey player turned restaurant owner enters the mix.  After a lot of persistence and humorous teasing well-seasoned flirtations, he finally convinces Rachel to commit to a date. But just when things begin to warm up,
threatening notes directed at Rachel arrive. When her bakery is vandalized, Graydon’s protective streak goes on red alert. Is it her obsessive ex-boyfriend stalking her? Or maybe a challenger
trying to sabotage the competition? Either way, Rachel is definitely going to need some more
chocolate—perhaps drizzled over ice cream and devil’s food cake. I'm not loving this last line.  First I'm wondering what happened to the Food Network Challenge in the first paragraph?  Did she give it up for a bakery and a hockey player?  Or is she actually competed on the show.  I think you can come up with something with more kick that brings together the threads of the query while using the great voice you have throughout.

SWEET CONFECTIONS combines the sassiness of Rachel Gibson with the closed bedroom
door approach of Kristen Higgins.  Good comps.  I'm not sold on the title, and I suspect an agent may want to change it.  

I am a thirty-something mom with the heart of a college student obsessed with chocolate and
yearning for the thrill of romance. I think you tell us the same thing better throughout the rest of this paragraph.  While Sweet Confections is my first completed novel, I am
not new to the publishing industry. My non-fiction book, (dis)Abilities and the Gospel (Cedar
Fort, 2011), is currently available through a regional niche publisher. I have a loyal following on
Facebook, Twitter, and my blog, and am often invited to speak at conferences and organizations
– both in the disability and writing communities. I am also a test kitchen participant for culinary
mystery author, Josi Kilpack. What can I say? Food and the written word are key elements to my
survival of motherhood!

Attached Be careful here.  Almost all agents want it pasted into the email not attached! to this email is the first 10 pages as per your website requirements. Thank you for
considering my novel for representation. Have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,

Danyelle Ferguson

I want to point out things that are really working in this query.  First, the personalization.  You should aim for this level of personalization with every query you send.  Secondly, the voice.  I feel like I know what I'm getting from reading this query.  This is totally not my genre, but I want to read this.  The overall format and tone.  This letter is personal, professional, and very well written.  Even with the changes I mentioned above, this would definitely garner a request imo.  Best of luck!